You See Him

I never really thought of myself as the mom of a "challenging child." I've watched other moms struggle with "difficult children" and I'll admit, I've even felt a bit of pity for them at times. I wondered what that must be like, to constantly be at battle with your own child and the world around them.

And then the emails and phone calls started.

"He's having trouble focusing."

"He's being disruptive."

"He can't seem to sit still."

"He has trouble finishing his work unless I'm right with him."
"He's a good boy, but....."

And then it continued.

"This is becoming a real issue."

"The bus had to pull over today because of his behavior."

"I just can't have your son around mine for awhile. Trouble seems to follow him."

No one disputed that he was smart. That he was kind. He didn't hurt other children. He didn't maliciously cause trouble. But things changed. Little by little, he began to shut down. As his mother, I felt helpless. Things were spiraling out of my control, and suddenly it was MY child who seemed to constantly be at battle with the world around him. He began to lie to avoid getting in trouble. He started avoiding time with us at home, withdrawing instead into solitary activities. He dreaded sports practices, started having trouble sleeping, and became argumentative with us and with his teachers. 

He became the most exhausting little human being I have ever loved more than life itself. 

And then I realized it. I WAS that mother. My kid was that challenging kid. 

Appointments were made. Doctors, teachers, specialists. Tentative diagnoses were tossed around. Therapy discussed. Medication contemplated. And in the midst of all of it, the issues continued. I began to feel that the world was outpacing us. That he was sliding faster than we could help him combat it. I wanted to scream at everyone to just PLEASE give us some time. Understand that we're trying. Believe me that he's a good boy. Tell me I'm not failing. Help me understand him. 

And I held him tight while he cried that he "has no friends" because "he is so bad."

I tried to reassure him when he said that his teachers hate him. 

That his coaches don't like him.

That he never gets invited to parties.

That other moms and dads don't like him. 

That he can't do anything is right.

I tried to build him up as fast as he was tearing himself down. Because I I know his heart. 

I've smoothed his hair from his face while he sleeps, still clutching a stuffed puppy.

I've seen him cup a baby chick in his hands with incredible gentleness. 

Watched him guide a younger child through an activity with a soft voice and kind words. 

Heard him affectionately call out "goodnight, sissy, I love you!" down the stairs to my girls. 

Seen his steadfast determination to learn how things work, and why.

I've cried at night where he can't see me, out of sheer frustration. 

I've reached out to friends. And they have answered in tenfold. 

I think that many of you see what I see.

You see a little boy with a freckled face and unruly hair and a funny gap in his front teeth who sometimes forgets his socks, never ties his shoes, and has a big generous spirit. You see a little boy who can't always communicate what he feels, because he's scared that anything he says will get him in trouble. A little boy who wants to be accepted, but who has a hard time controlling his impulses. 

You see a challenging child with a heart of gold.

You see my son.

And to all of you who see him, and who see us, thank you. 

Chapters....

First tings first.  There's an updated picture of the kiddos, taken at  the first skate night of the year in the gym at school.  Aren't they getting BIG?  I'm telling you, it's scary.

Like I said previously, it's been awhile since I visited my blog.  I'm guessing that if you used to follow my blog posts with any kind of regularity you still kept up with our comings and goings on Facebook in between games of Candy Crush or making a new Pinterest board.  To be completely honest, I'm not sure what happened.  In the time since I last blogged my family has been dealt some blows.  We've weathered some losses -- some figuratively, and some literally.  Our extended families have been working through some grief.  And honestly, I simply didn't have the words.  I wasn't hiding.  I wasn't depressed.  I was just literally without the adequate vocabulary to make sense of some of the things that I was feeling in the midst of what is otherwise a relatively routine, busy, and wonderfully exhausting life.

I guess I just didn't know what to say.  Or how to say it.  I'm not sure I even knew how to feel.  In fact I still don't.  And with each new blow to my heart or to my family, it got harder.  Each time it became more difficult to get online and just jump back in.  Because how do you choose the pain you share?  How do you invite other people into one chapter of your life, when you didn't mention the pinnacle of the last chapter and make them understand the importance of what you are trying to say?

I'm babbling.  It's a sure sign that I'm back to blogging.

But we have persevered.  Suffice it to say that things in the W household are good.  What we have gone through since I stopped blogging regularly has made us a stronger family, and every single day I realize how blessed I am.  Every single day, I am reminded of a valuable lesson - that life is a never-ending series of chapters.  It's funny how much of your life can be catalogued into a simple set of "befores" and "afters" when you really sit down and examine it.

You've got the big ones:  The graduations.  Weddings.  Life before babies arrive.  Life after babies arrive (not to mention the associated lack of sleep.)  New jobs.  Moving.  New houses.  Your life after the loss of someone important.  Birthdays.  Anniversaries.  I could go on, but you get the idea.

Now break it down even more.  Each family is full of sub-plots...stories inside of the story if you will.  The day I lost my dad was one of the hardest "milestones" I have ever hit.  But "life before cancer" differed greatly from "life after that one single crystal clear moment on a sunny day when my parents sat on my couch and my Dad told me he had cancer."  And naturally, the way that chapter of my Mom's life would read is different than mine, just as mine is different from my brother and sister's.  But they are all interwoven.  They are all a part of our family's story.

The big milestones always tend to stick out in your mind a little more.  When each of my babies was put into my arms, it was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced - and now each of them is a little growing series of chapters all their own - but those weren't without their own tangents of morning sickness, ultrasounds, and even miscarriages.  The tiny slivers of clarity that carry more weight than whole months combined, like the first time I heard my B cry, after they told me she wasn't breathing on her own at birth.  The look on Skippy's face just after our K came into the world and he got to be the one to tell me, "it's a girl!"  And the almost-hilarious-but-if-you-laugh-I-swear-I'll-kill-you moment when after 22 hours of labor, I yelled out "I think my water just broke!" and we were introduced to our Chunk just minutes later.

And by itself, my marriage is it's own story of ups and downs.  Luckily after eleven years I have come to think of it as a romantic comedy, but we've had our share of "life before angry words" and "life after oh-no-you-didn't-just-say-that" moments.  Our share of "life before Amy tried to make meatloaf and emotionally scarred the family" Not to mention the thousands of details: financial decisions, grocery lists, car pools, dinners out, and nights of watching movies together that we have seen a million times before.  

Still more chapters include fender benders and lost wallets and plumbing emergencies and a baby's first belly laugh.  Those moments when you realize that someone isn't the person you thought they were.  Or that someone is exactly the person you need them to be.  Others cover vacations and airplane rides and visits with loved ones.  Your first child's first day of kindergarten....and then your baby's first day of kindergarten.  Life before Oregon.  Life after Illinois.

That's what I've learned on my break from my blog.  That my life is one big beautiful insane mess of ups and downs, of firsts and lasts, and of stories that begin with, "do you remember when?"

Hopefully I will be able to continue to share our story here as the next chapters unfold.



 

Anyone Home?

>Clears throat<

Hi.

It's been awhile.

Um......

You know how it goes.  Been busy.  I mean that's life...right?

I've missed this.  I figured I was long overdue for a visit.

In fact, I even went as far as to make a New Year's resolution about this little safe haven of the written word that I built for myself.  Nothing too crazy, you understand.  Just to make sure I stop in once a month.

I mean, that's 12 blog entries a year.  I can do that.

Right?

Today I turned thirty five.  And I realized that I was 10 days into a new year and that I hadn't even given my resolution a second thought, aside from the fleeting post ideas that flit through my brain on my way home from the grocery store for yet another gallon of milk.  Something always seems to come up.

But enough of that. 

The basics:  Kids = good.  Dispatching = good.  Google = good.  Life = Hectic/good.

Can't complain.

More soon.  I promise.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 39

July 9

Today we made strawberry freezer jam.

It was fun.

Kinda.

Ok....it was as fun as making strawberry freezer jam with three over eager kids can be. That's a fair statement.

Anyway, it's just another product of our tardy backyard garden this year. Back on June 2nd, I went to great lengths to make you understand the nature of the backyard we inherited when we bought the house. We have slowly been making it our own, complete with gorgeous raised garden boxes built painstakingly by Skippy. We've still got a long way to go but this year we have managed to cultivate and plant our strawberry bed, our transplanted raspberries, three kinds of tomatoes and four kinds of peppers, plus cucumbers and the cantaloupe that Banana has grown from a seed she begged off of the cutting board one sunny Saturday morning.

It's a start. And our efforts are paying off. So far this year we have already used our peppers in chili, our raspberries and strawberries in countless smoothies (not to mention the ones that go straight into the kids' mouths!) and then today we supplemented our store-bought strawberries with more from the patch in the backyard to make our jam.

The kids have so much fun growing things and then seeing how they are used.

I have so much fun watching them.

Life is good.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 36

July 6

K bear this morning: "Mom can I go get a cherry?"

Me: "You can go get one, K. They are going to start picking this week."

I quite clearly said ONE cherry. I mean, we have permission to pick from the folks who own the orchard, but only after the hired field workers are done. That being said, I didn't think that letting my seven year old preview the crop with one cherry would make or break the season. And when there are literally thousands of trees within six feet of your property line, they are hard to resist.

But apparently, this is what "one" cherry looks like to K. I can't tell if that's one handful or one branch, but it's definitely what one little girl can carry in one sweater.

So coming soon to a grocery store near you...fresh Oregon cherries...at least the ones that didn't go into my kid.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 34

My mother-in-law blessedly took all three children to Bend to see my sister-in-law's family for the holiday.

There are pictures somewhere. I'll track them down.

I worked 43 hours in four days. When I wasn't upright in the chair at work, I was horizontal in bed. I barely even saw Skippy.

So anyway, the blog went on a small holiday hiatus. Hopefully I can hijack some pictures from their weekend from Grammy and get them up!

The Summer in Pictures: Day 32

July 2nd

Shit.

Now obviously it's not the best picture. I didn't have the good camera handy so I took with my iPhone. And I was alternating between laughing until I peed and scolding the kid.

Would you look at him?

I mean.....seriously......it's less than ten minutes from the ice cream place to our house. How did he DO that?

I even asked for the ice cream in a cup specifically so that he wouldn't make the mess he would if I had gotten him a cone.

Look at that face. And he has the nerve to LAUGH!

Look at his hands.....his arm.

Look at his shirt.

It's on the side of the car for God's sake.

And it's dripping down the seat belt.

Good lord. I think a bath is in order, or at the very lease a soaking with the garden hose.

Boys.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 31

July 1

Look at my gorgeous girl, already home from camp.

Remember my overly emotional post from a few days ago? The one that shows Miss K all set up on her bunk bed? The one where I was all worried about leaving her?

Yeah. That was groundless. After she threw herself into my arms this morning I asked the key question: "How was camp, K?"

The answer, in her words: "AWESOME. Can I go back next year?"

Why on earth do I worry so much?

The Summer In Pictures: Day 29

June 29

>sniff<

Goodbyes are never easy for little kids when they are about to embark on a new adventure.

Although if we're being honest, the same can be said for Moms too.

So there she is earlier today...my Kbear all set up on her bunk at sleep away camp up in Washington state. She looked so cute, and so big. When I took this picture, I don't think it had really sunk in for her just yet - the fact that I was going to leave and she was going to stay. She hadn't met her counselor yet (code name Snickerdoodle) and she hadn't found the chocolate bar that I hid in her bag. She didn't quite grasp the idea that if she woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee, she was going to have to go by herself at this strange dark place called camp.

Now if we're being REALLY honest, in hindsight she wasn't the only one who hadn't really thought it through. I hadn't really considered the implications of this mini-camp with it's two overnights and not-quite-three-days of summer fun and what it would mean to Kbear. I hadn't really thought about the fact that my girls' lives have been pretty intertwined up to this point. I sign them up for the same activities because quite frankly, it's convenient for me. They both tried dance. They both played soccer. They would go on the same play dates and attend the same birthday parties. They are only seventeen months apart. It's just EASIER. But as they get older that isn't working out for me the way it used to. They are beginning to do their own things, have their own friends, develop their own separate passions and attend different birthday parties. This summer Banana has swim team; that's four days a week for forty five minutes a day, plus competing in meets. So Kbear gets this stint away at camp and then later in the summer, soccer day camp. And this summer (or more specifically, today) it has really hit me that even though they will always walk the same road as sisters, they have begun to choose their own separate offshoots.

And so I gave her one last hug, and I said good bye, and I left her in the care of the (oh so young) camp staff and her fellow campers. As I drove away I thought about how much fun she was going to have. I wondered how late she would stay up and if she would tell scary stories and share that chocolate bar. I know she'll miss me, but more than that I wonder how much she'll miss having her sister by her side. I wonder what Banana will think tonight, sleeping alone in their shared room. I think that overall, the whole day was a revelation of sorts for all of us. It's not bad...it's just different.

We pick her up on Friday. I already can't wait.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 27

June 27th

So far, our summer has been delightful. People keep on telling us that this is what an Oregon summer is typically like, but I wouldn't know it - every year since our big move the summer has always kicked our collective family ass, becoming beastly hot by the middle of June with temps topping the 100 mark for days on end. Just because there's no humidity and very few mosquitoes (neener neener Chicago people!) doesn't mean it's not miserable.

So the fact that this year we are grabbing hoodies in the mornings and covering up with blankets at night has been a treat. And our evenings have been spectacular; perfect for dinners on the back patio, and for hanging out in the front yard....and maybe playing with the Bailey girl.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 24

June 24

I actually don't think this one needs any explanation.

He's just that cute.

The end.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 21

June 21st

It's summer reading time at the library!

This year the kids have their own library cards. We'll see if I can make it through the summer A) making them keep up on their reading, B) Keeping track of their logs and C) remembering to take them to the library for activities.

Today was fun though. The kids got to have cake and punch and color bookmarks to use while they rack up their minutes to earn silly bandz - God how I hate those things.

Happy Reading!

The Summer in Pictures: Day 20

June 20th

This is what cuteness looks like.

Today I was mowing the backyard - a chore I actually enjoy - and the kids were running around and generally acting like they were in great cahoots about something and it was just one of those wonderful summer days where there isn't much of anything going on, and that's how it should be.

After I shut down the mower I was kicking a ball back and forth with Colin and at some point I tackled him and blew a big old raspberry on his stomach.

"That's called a raspberry." I told him.

Still giggling, he wriggled out of my grasp and ran over to our garden area. He poked around a bit, and then came running back, presenting me with today's picture.

"No silly Mama," he told me "THIS is a raspberry."

Sweet silly smart boy of mine.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 19

June 19

Let's just get this out of the way:

Happy Father's Day to my Skippy.

You are a great Father, the love of my life, yadda yadda yadda. Next year I promise we will try not to schedule Banana's birthday sleepover for what is supposed to be your special day - because nothing says "You're a stellar male parent" like five little girls and one four year old boy clamoring for more s'mores, orange soda, and a bucket of water for "real" pedicures.

What on earth were we thinking?

Nine days ago my Banana girl turned 9. And I had to work. Then Skippy was out of town. Then I had to work some more. Then we started to feel like the whole idea of a birthday sleepover was going to be seriously overdue and half-silly if we didn't get to it soon....so we did it on Father's Day.

With my two, we had five little girls.

They were loud.

They had grilled chicken for dinner at Banana's request (so Dad DID get to grill on his Father's Day!)

They screeched a lot.

They had s'mores.

And popcorn.

And soda.

And watched Gnomeo and Juliet on Pay Per View.

They had a blast.

I had Advil for an after-dinner snack.

They stayed up until 1 a.m.

In the morning we had pancakes.

I had Tylenol.

The end.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 17

June 17

I think this picture pretty much sums up the way I would love to approach my summer. Just being lazy, hanging out on the patio with a gardening book.

Then three kids start clamoring for breakfast and I realize I have to figure out how to do laundry, sweep floors, turn on the sprinklers, yell at three kids who think it's okay to come in dripping wet on the newly swept floors after playing in said sprinklers, make lunch, and fill the afternoon with something other than Nick Jr before Skippy comes home.

Sometimes I wish I was a cat.

The Summer In Pictures: Day 15

June 15th

And so the craziness begins. The last day of school is upon us - again.

My girls have officially completed first and third grade. I can't quite believe it. In fact, I'm reasonably sure I just attended Kbear's kindergarten graduation a week ago....right? They have both had fantastic years, getting great grades and excelling in their own ways. Banana is quite the artist and came a long way with her reading this year and Kbear is my math whiz and social butterfly. Banana also started Spanish this year (she already knows more words than I do) and she started "Tiger Tracks," a set of classes for the older kids where they get to choose Friday electives. This year Banana took part in "Hike and Draw" which is exactly what it sounds like, and "Cooking" where she brought home everything from crepes to pudding pops and scrambled eggs. She played Lacrosse and expanded her social circle. Kbear took part in art club, marble club, soccer club, and drama club, and had something going on pretty much every afternoon of the week after school. Overall it was a great year. We are incredibly blessed to have the kids in an absolutely amazing charter school with wonderful and dedicated staff and opportunities that I've never thought would be possible at the elementary school level.

But now.....it's summer. The year ended with the traditional picnic on the school lawn, complete with one family bringing their horses and tirelessly giving ride after ride to the kids, including my own. Those sweet animals must have paced the length of the school field a hundred times and the kids loved it.

So today's "picture of the day" is actually a double feature, because I just couldn't post only one. You could say our summer is off to a galloping start. *wink*

The Summer in Pictures: Day 14

June 14th

Today when my Banana got off the bus she was all sorts of snarffly and snuffly. Her eyes were red and she was all blotchy. With the wind we have been having this last week the pollen is flying around in full force and the allergies have been just killing us. So I gave her a benadryl. One Benadryl at 4:30 right? I thought that maybe it would help her zonk out but really I thought no more of it until bedtime, when she realized that one of her favorite shows was coming on.

Banana's pitch:
"Mom....tomorrow is the last day of school can I please stay up late I want to watch So You Think You Can Dance with you and I promise I won't be tired tomorrow I won't even be the teeny tiniest ittsy bitsiest bit crabby and I really like that show and I promise that when you tell me to I'll go right to bed and we won't even miss the bus so please please please please PLEASE can I stay up?"

I countered that she had taken a Benadryl and that it was still a school night.

She gave me puppy dog eyes.

I relented and let her get comfy in the chair.

And after all that, ten minutes later I took this picture.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 12

June 12


See that?

That is the only thing I have left that has my Dad's handwriting on it.

It's a luggage tag. Once upon a time it hung on the strap of his black leather Amoco bag that he used for traveling. I'm not even completely sure how I got a hold of it - I think that Skippy and I borrowed the bag for our honeymoon and that somehow the tag came off and it ended up in my jewelry box. I probably intended to give him the bag (and presumebly the tag) back some day. And then he got sick. And then he died and it stayed in my jewelry box. When we moved, I rediscovered it, tucked into a corner under some old birthday cards and other trinkets that have no real place in my house but that I can't bear to throw away.

And I cried. Over a freakin' luggage tag.

Once upon a time, it probably took him a whole thirty seconds to fill out. It was completely insignificant. Just one more thing to do before heading to the airport. But now it has become so much more than just a luggage tag - it has become one of my most treasured possessions. It's something that I will keep even when the leather is cracked and the stitching has started to deteriorate and the paper inside is yellow. I will keep it even when I have to strain to see the writing that I know so well, his characteristic block letters, all in caps, that told people who he was. When my Mom no longer lives at the address listed on the tab (blurred because she still lives there), I will run my fingers over the writing and remember the years we all lived in that house. I will look at his old characteristic block letters and smile.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you.

The Summer in Pictures: Day 10

Yeah yeah yeah, I missed yesterday. This shift work gig isn't easy you know. But all things considered I think I am hanging in there pretty well. This has been a lot of fun.

Anyway, today Banana is nine. NINE, people. I'm a little aghast. It was really just the other day that they put her in my arms after an 18 hour labor. She was my "moon baby," born during a lunar eclipse. These days she's all legs and attitude, but I'd like to think that she knows that I am the very best friend she will ever have, as long as she continues to let me have that role.

Sometimes I see her objectively, the way a stranger must see her and I realize just how beautiful she is. She is kind and sweet and funny and smart and I love her every bit as much as I did the day they handed her to me.

Today we celebrated with purple hair extensions and her first ever "real" pedicure. I'm a little annoyed that I didn't have the good camera with me, but even so, I got this shot. It makes me smile.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl. We love you so much.

The Summer In Pictures: Day 8

June 8:

Me last year:
"Hey babe, look at this amazingly awesome website I found. This stay at home Mom in Alaska makes all sorts of easy cool things out of wood. Maybe you can use the kazillion dollars worth of tools you have been hoarding and make us a few of these awesome garden beds out of cedar fence pickets....aren't these cool babe?"

Skippy: "Those are cool. Bookmark that. And I did not buy 'kazillions of dollars worth of tools dear.'"


Me a few weeks later last year:
"Hey babe, remember those cool garden beds? Home Depot has the fence pickets on sale. It says you can make a bed with less than ten of them. Can we try it?"

Skippy: "Sure. I'll go get the stuff right now."

Skippy then proceeds to come home with approximately 120 fence pickets. No, I'm not kidding.

Me: >sigh<

So we build a box right? It's pretty neat and Skippy is proud of it, and rightfully so. All of our friends who stop by ohhhh and ahhhh over it. My mother-in-law asks where we bought it. I am envisioning a summer of gardening where I don't have to sit in the dirt, which I hate.

And then our lone garden box sits there all winter long. Empty and sad. We have three kids you know? Life is busy.

Fast forward to this spring:

We finally bang out a few more boxes. And this time we actually put something in them. We have a long way to go before that area of the back yard looks like we want it to, but still - pretty neat, huh?