I'm staying busy

This week has been hectic for me. I've been trying to keep busy, mostly with housecleaning and catching up on laundry. I tell myself it's because I want a clean house for the weekend, when my mother-in-law comes up for Kbear's birthday, but a lot of it is just fluff...I know that she doesn't care about the state of my house. When she's here I have to chase her away from the washing machine. Really, I'm staying busy because I'm stressed out about next Monday.

As usual, I'm stressed out about other things too. I'm a worrier. It's a crappy habit that I got from my Dad, and I'll probably be trying to break it for the rest of my life. There's just so much going on! Banana's family tree project is due next week and we are a bit behind on our work. But really, I know that we'll get it done. I'm stressed because Kbear's birthday party is on Sunday, and I have no idea what to expect. I'm stressed because my husband is out of town. And because I'm tired of the rain and I want to mow my grass one last time this year. And because I'm trying to get laundry done and clean my house around three small children who constantly seem determined to mess it up right behind me. Dog hair. Dog hair stresses me out. I love my dog, but GOD, the hair...I could build a small poodle.

But really, underneath it all I am stressed out because next Monday we have to bring our baby boy in to one of the children's hospitals in Portland to see if we can find out why the munchkin has been such a noisy, wheezy breather for his entire little life.

A little background on our Chunker - he was born slightly ahead of schedule but otherwise healthy, aside from the fact that he is LOUD. When he was a newborn we would lay in bed and listen to him wheeze and gurgle from his bassinet a few feet away. Our first two doctors told us that some babies are just noisy and that he would outgrow it. Then he started getting sick. And forget the usual round of baby ear aches and runny noses - Chunker gets croup and chest infections regularly, and was treated for both pneumonia and hospitalized for RSV last year. It just seems to hit him really hard in the upper chest region. Our current ped took one look at him and asked me, "Does he always sound like that?" Before I knew it, we had a referral to an ENT specialist in Portland and my baby was being scheduled for a bronchoscopy and a larynxoscopy. Big words = nervous Mama.

Now as any parent knows, the internet is a strange beast. And by the internet, of course I mean Google. (As if any other search engine would do!) When you need the phone number for the Chinese restaurant in town, it's great. I use it all the time to check the weather, catch up on news, and find recipes when I need a new way to make chicken breasts. But when you want to get some basic information about a medical procedure, Dr. Google can be a scary and often all-too-knowledgeable source of facts and figures.

If Skippy were here, he'd fix me with a stern eye and tell me to get the hell off of the computer. A few days ago my Mom told me that it was no good to worry about something you couldn't know anything about until it's on top of you. They would both be right. And yet, I Google. I tell myself I want to be prepared for every possibility. This is my BABY that we are talking about. They are going to take him away from me and knock him out and stick a camera down his throat and I'm sorry but as a mama bear, that is scary.

In my deepest heart of hearts, I genuinely believe that everything will be just fine. The doctor is going to come out and tell us that our kid is just noisy, he'll outgrow it, and that as soon as he wakes up we can take him home. I KNOW that is what will happen.

But underneath all of that, I can't shake that small twinge in the pit of my stomach. I worry. I think that once you become a mother, worrying becomes an integral part of who you are. I try not to let it control me. Most of the time I succeed. But tonight, sitting here typing away while my son wheezes just a few feet away....I worry.

We are not the most religious people. We don't attend church. Most of the time we seem to find ourselves with more questions than answers. But we believe in SOMETHING. Something that is inherently good. We are raising our children to have open minds so that they can form their own opinions as they grow. But that doesn't mean we can't use your good thoughts, well wishes, and prayers.

I'm going to try to make it back to the computer this weekend to tell you all about Kbear's birthday party - it is going to rock the house. But just in case that has to wait until next week, please keep our boy in your thoughts. We will update just as soon as we can, and I'm sure it will be good news.