Thursday, March 26, 2009

Hijacking: The Great "Facial Tissue" Fiasco

(Disclaimer: This blog post is a hijacking, something I've wanted to do for a while, but hey, I feel it's time, and this is a justified topic. All opinions expressed in this post are those of the blogger's husband, and not those of the blogger, even if they should be because it's bloody common sense in this case)

There are certain things in life that just matter. They just do, it's a fact of life.

If you prefer a certain kind of car, for whatever reason, you are more than likely going to keep choosing that model or brand of car. It's what you like so you roll with it.

If you like foam pillows (for whatever misguided reasons you might have), you probably won't be able to deal with feather or down pillows, no matter how unbelievably comfortable they might be.

You might have a favorite type of ketchup, or mustard, or some other random condiment that you favor over another, and if push comes to shove and what you want isn't available, sure you might sink to the depths of depravity and use what's there, but that doesn't mean you have to like it, and can't sit there wanting your preference to be nearby.

So we come to the crux of our current fiasco. In addition to the sinus infection from Hell that won't go away, now my nose is running and I've caught some evil bug to make my life slightly more miserable (hopefully short-lived), and I'm at work. Google is fantastic, I love it here, but we have one greatly lacking amenity.

Our Kleenex (or "facial tissue" to be specific in this case") sucks.

Now, if you've never had the pleasure, and I use that word very lightly, of having to blow your nose into these things, well, you aren't missing much. It's like rubbing some 100-grit on your already distressed nose. It's not fun. Imagine the "toilet tissue" in a porta-potty at some big festival, and blowing your nose with it. That's what you get when you pull a Surpass brand "facial tissue" from it's evil demonic nondescript beige box of torture and press it to your face. It's just wrong. You are probably thinking to yourself, "Surpass? I've never heard of those before." These lovelies are a product of Kimberly-Clark Professional, and can be found via a quick web search where you also find they are made from at least "10% recycled consumer products", my guess is that 10% is directly from defective pads of 3M sandpaper, but I might be wrong.

I expressed my utter displeasure with the Surpass brand "facial tissue" to my wife, and she MOCKS me for my family's undying preference to Puffs tissues. Is wanting something that doesn't feel like sandpaper against my nose such a bad thing in all honesty? Is having a preferential brand of anything so horrible that one would be mocked as whining? Can't a man want a stupid specific type of facial tissue (normal Puffs, no lotion, those are just slimy and vile). I think not.

So tomorrow, if the Great Sinus Flood of March '09 has not stopped already, there will be a box of plain old Puffs tissues on my desk and I can banish the Surpass back to the depth of whatever Hell they originated from. I'm sure my wife will continue to brand me a whiny $@%*&, but I say good riddance.

5 comments:

kat said...

yikes! as she who orders the copious quantities of "surpass" that attempt to sooth your bedevilled sinuses, should i be quivering under my desk?

i'm afraid office depot doesn't stock puffs, and they aren't cheap to buy by the boxload. crap excuse, but there you have it.

erineliz said...

Charles, I am totally with you on this. I bring my own Puffs to school when I have a cold and leave them on desk for my use only so I don't have to use the cheap ones the parents provide.

Also, if your nose is raw, you can try baby oil gel. When I am sick, I give my nose a good blow, wash my face, and then spread baby oil gel on my nose. I know a lot of people use Vasoline but the next time you blow your nose it all wipes off. Then baby oil gel wipes off a little but mostly stays on. You have to be careful that you wash before you put it on though, because any oil or dirt on your face can get trapped under the baby oil and cause a breakout.

Feel better! :)

Two Dollars said...

I think you should bring your own box, then your nose can be happy at least! :)

Stefanie

Blair said...

Agreed, the tissues are awful. I bring in little packages of travel Kleenex when cold season is in force, to avoid using the work-provided torture tissues.

DaviCon said...

Charles, you redeemed yourself in the last paragraph by planning to bring in your own tissues. Never having worked somewhere that provided amenities to the level of facial tissue - meaning that if you were determined to use company-issue to blow your nose you were limited to standard issue restroom paper towels or "professional" toilet paper - my sympathy is limited.

That said, I do hope you're feeling better!